Chapter Twenty: Where My Loyalty Truly Lies
The Sword of Excalibur
“I am but a snake in the garden, willing to keep those overran rodents from your harvest. Bear in mind this land may be yours, but it was once mine… and my services come at a price.”
Emrys
Arthur had surprised me greatly in the coming days that followed.
He had remained committed to the work at hand: charting the marked routes acceptable by the participating citizens of Britain, for we had less than a fortnight to prepare for the gathering that would befall the castle.
The Hunt.
And I could not rid myself of this eerie feeling that tapped firmly against the tautly drawn strings of my heightened senses.
The young King was... continuing to surprise me. I had believed that we had left what had happened in that bathing room, in the past, where it rightfully belonged. I did not wish to think of it again, of how he had witnessed more of me—this vessel—than I would ever have allowed. I was led to believe that we were not to speak of such a thing further... and yet the way he—the King—looked at me since then... it made me strongly believe that he had not forgotten.
That he would not allow himself to, I thought to myself, against my insistent wishes.
The Queen had soon noticed the marking left from the burn on his right wrist, which wrapped fully around it, and I knew it to be so for her gaze lowered to it every so often at the dining table when we all took our supper together; however, she did not speak of it. And though it was but a small notice regarding her slight gazes, I could see that there was a rift slowly forming between the two Royals as they spoke in the days that followed. The Queen was displeased with something, though she hid it well, and I was not certain of what Arthur had possibly done now to anger his wife, yet I was determined to uncover it for myself.
I had requested long ago that he bring her happiness, and he had seemingly been failing to do just that, all whilst the union between these two was what fed the Council more trust. The ruling of both the King and his Queen. Camelot had not seen such an equivalent pair in quite some time.
There were other occurrences that had held me somewhat at bay from inquiring further, unfortunately. Other instances to which my attention was demanded... for the scent Arthur reeked of had not been lost to me during this stay. With many of my nights being spent in the In Between, soothing my companions by the work sought out for me—seeking retribution for those whose souls Uther Pendragon had damned to the burning fires of hell itself—and the outburst of his magick was still brewing from within my core, alluding to something coming.
Something that would require more of me.
Something disastrous.
I was not sure of what, but I could feel the unrest coursing through my blood. A ghostly detection of an ill omen passed through this vessel, and it had brought my mind more alertedness to the whereabouts of not just my own being, but of those who walked the castle halls just like myself, occupying this large home amidst the King and Queen.
Then, there was something else that was compounding my growing worry—one additional thing weighing heavily on my mind, perhaps the most heavily, and that was Morgana.
I could sense the restlessness of her nights. I could feel her roaming the castle far too late into the darkness of the sky, my companions charting her whereabouts as they went forth with their own exploration, yet my mind was tethered to the In Between then, not allowing me to interfere with her restlessness.
All I wanted was to assure myself of the safety of her own mind and heart, for she was now the only living person who knew my mind and heart, even if she had long forgotten who I was to her.
How she had once owned my own heart before it was mangled—merged with something so impure.
And so, as the coming days of The Hunt quickly approached us, I had decided to make my bold request with the Queen as I found her walking through the halls of the castle towards the servant's quarters one promising morning. She had with her Gisela, and heaps of fabric in both her hands and those of the older woman.
"Merlin," she smiled as I approached them slowly from the hall adjacent, keeping my body fully cloaked, for two of my companions were wrapped around my arms this day.
I had decided to carry them with me, for they were tasked with work of their own which required safe passage within this light of day. Something my cloaked frame could provide.
"My Queen," I spoke, bowing politely in her presence. I noticed as Gisela took some steps back, her worn shoes shuffling against the stone floor, allowing this beautiful young woman and myself to speak more privately.
"To what do I owe this sudden appearance?" She asked me. "The King is in his study awaiting you."
"It is you who I wish to speak with," I told this captivating woman, watching as the black braids of her hair fell past the rich, deep brown colour of the exposed skin on her shoulders down to her chest, reminding me of how my companions had once so freely wrapped themselves around my own neck when we were once in the comfort of our home—the deepest parts of the forest.
I watched as the Queen gazed upon me a moment. She turned her head slightly to Gisela after, nodding to the servant, to which Gisela nodded in return, gave me a nod out of respect for my position, then retreated to the servant's chambers for the Queen and me to speak alone with full privacy.
My companions dutifully slid further up my arms, allowing me to lift my hands and gently push the hood I bore back against my shoulders, revealing my face to Guinevere. She smiled at the gesture, allowing myself space beside her. We slowly began to walk down the halls of the castle, away from a place heavily guarded by the loyal guards of the royals. She had done well to keep these words between us just for our ears alone.
"What is it, Merlin?" She asked more quietly, turning her head to me as our steps were deliberately slowed, our pace in balance with each other.
"You are to meet with those who have shown interest as entertainers for the gathering that will follow the Hunt come dawn tomorrow, are you not?" I asked, mirroring the same lowered tone she possessed, to which she nodded.
Being this close, walking beside Arthur's equal, it made me question what it was this man could not find contentedness with. Why he could not find it within himself to maintain the happiness of a woman so worthy of it.
Why he—... why he insisted that he... he entertain such wrong thoughts.
If their union were not for he, then he was to think of this Kingdom at the very least.
"I have committed much of my time to the work expecting of me the days I have spent in this castle," I told her, to which Guinevere nodded again more quickly.
"I assure you, Merlin, the work you have done with Arthur—you suggesting we open the talent of the gathering to the local musicians who reside in the outskirts of town... I believe it to be such a touching thought. The Council has reported that this has helped our standing amongst our people greatly." Guinevere's words were kind—soft, yet held such an assertive tone that pulled from me a slight smile.
She had openly welcomed this position of hers. Her duty to her people.
"I am pleased that you are pleased with my work, my Queen," I assured her in return, and my words made Guinevere's own lovely smile only grow. "Yet," I continued, "there is something that still worries me."
Those additional words made Guinevere's smile fall immediately. "What is it, Merlin?" She asked me. I could hear the worry in her now.
I took only the briefest of moments to correctly collect my thoughts, for I did not want to stir from her more emotion. "Morgana," I then answered. "I have spent far too long attending to my duties, and I have reason to believe that, at this moment, she may need my company more than I considered. The company of a friend."
Guinevere's smile slowly returned as she digested my words—those partial truths, for I had been considering this for some time—she soon nodded up towards me while we walked.
"I would like to request that you allow me this time come daylight tomorrow to spend with her in the castle's library. And though a peculiar ask," I spoke somewhat freely now, "... I ask that you take the King with you. He does not favor my friendship with his sister, yet I assure you I have no underlying intent but to comfort her as a friend. She has been meaning to show me much of what she has read, and I have an interest to learn from her as she does, I. To resolve that aching feeling loneliness has since brought her upon the late King's passing."
I was not sure of how this woman would respond, but Guinevere did not keep my unsurety waiting.
"You have my blessing for such a request. I will make certain that Arthur remains at my side come dawn, allowing you this time with no interruptions." the Queen's words alone assured me. "Morgana appreciates her time with you, and though the King may be ignorant with acknowledging the happiness you bring her, I find your friendship to be quite beautiful. I would never have thought for you to be a being who could lead with such comfort, but I wish nothing more than for Morgana's returned happiness."
I felt a larger, more defined smile grace my own lips at her generous words to me.
"My only ask," she continued, slowing her steps further, for we were now soon to approach the study of the King, "is that you may explain to me why. What is it that draws you to such kindness with Morgana? She does not know of... of what you—"
"That in which I know of," I whispered in return. "I understand my reputation has preceded me, my Queen. If you are to believe any words that fall past my lips, I want you to hold these words dear to you when I say that there is not one soul in this realm who understands what isolation can do to a being more than I."
I watched Guinevere's eyes widen slightly at my words. At the way my magick coursed through me—the gold irises burning brightly, mirrored in the reflection of the Queen's deep brown eyes.
"I do not want for Morgana to feed into something so destructive," I then concluded, my head turning forward a moment as my gaze shifted to the study entrance soon approaching on our right.
"I... believe them," Guinevere spoke quietly to me. "Your words, Merlin. And for, while Arthur may do what he can, I believe he was forced to take much responsibility from such an age that Morgana has surely missed someone who is capable of convincing her to retreat from her chambers both early, and often. Something we had all failed to do in light of the late King's passing. So I... I do believe your protection is genuine. I may not fully trust you, for I do not trust many, but I can at least trust that Morgana is well in your care."
I gave the Queen a gentle nod.
"I will, however, expect you to remain within the castle come dawn. It would be the safest for you two." This elegant woman finished with those softly spoken words, and I nodded to her once more before I reached for the metal handle of the study's heavy wooden door.
-
The King and I had continued our preparations for The Hunt, yet we did not get far before he asked me a question so sudden and unexpected, I was not sure as to whether I had heard him correctly.
"So, will you not be joining me for breakfast again?"
I first lifted my gaze from across this study's desk, then simply kept it upon the King, upon those light eyes whilst I remained unsure of how to answer this. I did not keep him waiting long, however. "My evenings have grown long. My night's restless. There is much depending on both yours and my own success with our duties, and I am determined to see to it that nothing is hindered in the process. You may continue to see me for supper, a meal taken with your wife and your sister."
Those words did not seem to settle well with Arthur, for the way his eyebrows tightened slightly and the firmer his fingers pressed just a bit further around the quill, what I had said had coerced from him a reaction.
"You and I spend adequate time working together in this study. I believe all diplomatic discussions are well equipped to be held within the sufficient amount of time taking place here," I continued, watching those light eyes closely.
"I would prefer I hear of those long nights come dawn. I would prefer you speak openly and freely with me before the sun rises and our expectations weigh heavier on us. So join me again."
My eyebrows narrowed slightly at Arthur. Joining him meant that... that we'd be alone together. That we'd be alone in a way that wasn't suitable for us. It did not encompass our work, and this request was for his benefit, not the Kingdom's. I found myself slowly shaking my head left and then right.
"Not until my nights shorten," I told him with a degree of seriousness, and Arthur seemed to accept my stipulation. Not with open arms, but he accepted it nonetheless, not knowing that those shorter nights I spoke of would never befall me.
And that was where he had chosen to leave things. I was grateful of his decision not to press this further, for I knew not of the length my night would possibly stretch to had he. The King and Queen had joined both myself and Morgana for supper, yet even as the young, vibrant woman met me with that same excitement, I could feel the slight dullness that accompanied her tone. I noticed the way Morgana had started to drag her feet more against the stone, and the sheer glossy layer of tiredness that coated her eyes.
Sleep had not been finding her well at all, yet she spoke nothing of it to me.
This had troubled me so greatly, I was forced to make a rather sudden decision that evening...
And that was that I would find a way to ease her suffering however I possibly could.
Upon supper, my objective was to wander these halls, collecting the few companions that had left me come dawn. I had made certain to leave this chamber after the King and Queen's heartbeat relaxed into a steady rate in their own, assuring me privacy with this endeavor.
There was a particular heartbeat I could hear, which was what brought me quickly to my feet, making no noise as I made my way out of this chamber. The minimal light from the palace walls, only illuminated by the sconces, felt welcoming. These halls felt safer in the darkness, for my eyes would always adjust to it.
As I slowly walked, I could sense two of my companions finding their way back to me from the cracks in the walls. I had released them inside Arthur's study by high noon; however, I could tell by their approach that there was no good news they possessed to reveal to me.
Our time to discuss would come later; for this night, I was not concerning myself with the displacement of the In Between. Tonight, I had other concerns.
As my steps soon approached the chambers of the only one in this castle I could—who I may very well find myself sacrificing it all to protect, I could already hear the rusting sounds of her bedsheets. Her breaths were laboured, harsh, mirroring the pounding beats of her heart that washed upon my ears. I could hear the slight murmuring of disruptive sleep as she begged for it to find her.
The door to her chamber had been locked, forcing me to use my magick to undo and push past the barriers which separated me from this hurting young woman, though I made sure to keep the door unlocked as I shoved the heavy wood open.
Morgana's chamber was dimly lit, with one single burning candle near her bedside, illuminating what it could of the otherwise darkness, but as I watched this young woman thrashing beneath the thin sheets of her bed, her eyebrows pressed tight with her eyes shut in clear pain, I moved quickly to her bedside.
She was making these soft noises, moaning as if she could almost physically feel in its entirety what troubled her—there was no longer a barrier between her dreams and her reality—and her body turned and turned. The pain of what was to come—what I could not stop… it tore my chest cavity open with more searing agony than he had inflicted all those years ago.
"Morgana," I whispered quietly as I used my magick for my voice to reach her ears. Her movements were unpredictable and violent, yet it took nothing from within me to climb onto the mattress right beside her and pull the young woman into me, wrapping my larger arms around her as I lifted the upper portion of her body further up enough so her head could rest itself on my chest. She had only thrashed about for another moment or two, seemingly attempting to fight my embrace, but once my long fingers slid into the wild, damp curls that were plastered against her forehead with dripping sweat, as was the rest of her forehead, her neck, and the exposed portion of her chest below her damp gown, her body finally slowed.
She soon welcomed the soothing embrace as I brought my fingers delicately through these soft, untamed curls.
"I am here, Morgana," I whispered to her quietly. "I am here."
And when her eyes finally flew themselves wildly open, the first words she whispered out in a thick, rasp-filled tone was not of her own voice. It was the voice of another.
"Throw the plate at the wall."
It... it was a voice I had not heard in many, many years, startling me right as I heard it... but it did not frighten me enough for me to loosen my hold on this tormented woman.
The skin under her eyes was dark with the marks of unrest. She soon started to shake in my secure embrace as the darkness surrounding her irises subsided, giving way to the whites of what they should have been, yet I absorbed every jolt that passed through this vessel of hers as she depleted the source of who she was. Of what her body was seemingly forcing her to embrace all too suddenly.
I knew it would not take pity on her...
Her re-awakening...
And yet I did not know what had brought upon it now. All I knew to be true was that if I had the possibility of absorbing the suffocating suffering that had come with it, I would not hesitate to do so. I would take all her suffering, I thought as I held this young woman closer, carrying it willingly upon my shoulders. I could soon feel the warmth of her surrounding me, seeping through the thickness of my cloak as I held her, but I did not let go.
"M-Merlin?" Her voice was so weak; however, I could still hear the strength she attempted to push through it in an effort to sound more sure of herself. "Merlin... when... how—when did you..."
"You have not been finding sleep at night, have you?" I asked her quietly as my fingers passed gently through more of her wet curls. I could feel her now as she relaxed further into me, with her hands tucking themselves against her chest to brace herself against my firmness. Her breaths had slowed themselves further, yet I could still sense it... what was lingering within her.
"I... I did not wish to burden anyone. They are just dreams that... they consume me—I cannot wake myself from them until I find myself in an exact same place again. In the burning forest. This... this night has been the first that I have been woken from the nightmare." She was struggling to slow her breaths, but this woman was strong. Stronger than what had been forced upon her. "I do not know how in which you managed to reach me... but—... but I could hear your voice. In that forest. Two voices mirroring each other... and yet, somehow, I knew them to be both yours."
I felt my body tense lightly as the creatures wrapped around my arms strengthened their hold on this vessel. They were sending me a warning, and yet I did not need one. I sensed what they had—the darkness that still engulfed this young woman. The magick that lingered.
Something was shifting.
Something was displaced.
Something was coming, forcing these dreams upon the woman who knew not of what she truly was.
And those dreams... memories...
She was starting to remember.
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